Concussion Part 5: Out of the Woods

I've made it. I actually feel like I am finally back to my normal self.
It's taken over a year and a lot of hard work and a lot of support from family and friends but I've made it.

The things that made a difference:

My family - My children who put up with the tears, the confusion and the changes in our lives and supported me while having to deal with their own lives. Mum and JJ - without whom I would not have managed - the transport, the listening to my ranting, and my frustrations. I love you so much.

My work - the understanding from them that I needed to take time to come back slowly and make sure I wasn't going backwards at any stage. Haeata is an amazing place to work and I really appreciate all they did to get me back on track.

My friends - those of you who encouraged me, listened to my ranting, gave advice, supported me, and also to those that have taken an interest in learning more about how difficult concussion can be.

Meditation - I truly believe that this has been the reason I have managed to go back to work full time this year. Doing this every morning has made all the difference to my head. Thanks Rudy for starting me on this journey.

My hard work - it's not easy. I have had to learn how to stop doing things and take a step back. I have had to learn to say no more often. I have had to acknowledge that I couldn't do things and that I had to take time for myself. My previous blogs have given a bit of insight, but it's been damn hard. I would not wish it on anyone. I've been through a lot of things in my life and this is right up there with cancer and depression. I know it's a bit clichéd but it's made me who I am and I am stronger for it. I hope that these blogs can help others during their journeys, as I know I appreciated the help of those that had been in this position before me.

The first 2 terms this year have been amazing as I have slowly come right - I love my work and my family and I am so excited by what I have been involved in so far and what is coming up for me.

Life is good.

Bring it on.

Concussion Part 4 - Almost there

I started writing this a couple of weeks ago - it has developed since then, but thought I would leave the previous week there as well.

I did a whole week at school this week. Meetings, students, the works. It's the first full week of work I have done in almost 9 months. Feels good.
It's not been the easiest though. I slept through my alarm this morning - something I never do, luckily the body clock woke me 15 minutes later, so I wasn't too out of routine, although my exercising got cut short.
It's great driving to work looking forward to what is happening for the day and knowing I'm actually going to work!
I have made a real effort to be early school each day to get to some wonderful mindfulness sessions run by one of our kaiako, Rudy. Even though there is often only the 2 of us, they make a big difference to my day. It's been interesting doing these, as there are such a wide range of different recordings and I have enjoyed some more than others.
The support of the staff at Haeata is amazing, everyone is there to do the best for our students and community and we have such a supportive collegial atmosphere. All the schools I have worked at have had this to an extent but I don't think I have ever felt it quite so much as at Haeata. It's an amazing place to work.
I am learning some more Te Reo. Another one of our kaiako, Melody, has offered some classes after school so I went along this week. It's something I started to do last year but in the busyness and chaos of our first term of opening, it fell by the way and then I hit my head.... I'm hoping I will continue to be able to attend these so I can learn more and feel more confident when speaking with our Māori students.
We are lucky to have such staff that are prepared to give their time and expertise and share their knowledge with others. It's what makes for a really collaborative environment.

So it's been a couple of weeks since I started this blog. I have felt the tiredness and the headache occasionally and have had to back up a little on the work I do outside of school. It has been a good learning curve but also hard on my ākonga who have not had the extra work that I would have done in the evenings with planning and sorting. I have noticed that I am still improving, but the rate of improvement has slowed a little as I have been doing more work. Some days I struggle with the after school meetings and have had to miss a couple to enable my head to catch up with the week. Eventually, I know, this will get better.

I'm loving being back at school - so good to feel I am part of things again and that I am there for the students.

Almost there....

Concussion Part 3 - Step by step

It's the school holidays. Not that I need them as many others really do, but it's a chance to do more school work for me without being in the kura. Part of writing this blog is a reflection on what has been happening for me, and for work as well. This blog being even more important as I find myself back at work for short periods of time. It is a time of putting things together - making my life whole again with a mix of home and work, without pushing too hard and going backwards.

It looks like this in my return to work plan:
Week 1 and 2 -  1 hour a day for 3 days a week
Week 3 - up to 3 hours a day (1 contact with students and 2 marking/planning) for 3 days a week
Week 4 - up to 3 hours a day (1 contact with students and 2 marking/planning) for 4 days a week
Each week after that goes up in hours, then in days - hopefully getting back to full time later this year, but also being realistic and not going backwards by pushing too much.

I got to week 4 - and even then, week three became a 2 day week as I hit a curved ball. It is amazing how the little things throw you, but on the last day of Week 3, I got a puncture. I sat in the car and cried for ages before working out what I had to do, with the help of my son and daughter, which in reality was very simple (call the AA!!!) but just shows how difficult simple tasks can be when you have a brain injury. Anything out of the ordinary reduces me to tears. Suffice to say, I did not go to work that afternoon as I was shattered and slept instead. Each week I managed to do a bit more and although it is a slow recovery, it is a recovery. I have to remind myself I am getting better each week. I know that 2 months ago I couldn't have gone to work for 4 mornings, so that is progress. Little steps.

Over the last few weeks I have had a lot of appointments at Southern Rehab, with Occupational Therapists, Doctors and Psychologists. They have been amazing and although a little overwhelming at first, it is nice to have a team of people looking after me and all wanting the best outcomes. I had an interesting session with the Psychologist around what I felt where two sides of my recovery. The emotional side that keeps telling me that it's all a bit hard and it seems like I am always bursting into tears versus the analytical side that keeps telling myself that I am getting better and every week I can do something else. Getting these two to intertwine and work together will mean better acceptance of where I am at. He asked me a really good question about what I am aiming for each week - I can't be 100% at the moment, so I need to accept that.
The Doctor is sending me for an MRI scan - I keep joking to say it's to see if I have a brain, but it's really to check there is nothing else going on and that this will just get better with time. Not too fond of MRIs, noisy things, but worth it to just rule out anything else that could be stopping my brain from recovery. I am also looking forward (sort of) to a neurological assessment in a few weeks. It will be interesting to see what I can and can't do.

So now it's the school holidays. I have a week where I am going to do some work every morning, to keep up the improvement plan and keep moving forward. I also am heading off to Ulearn next week. I was to be presenting, but am now just going to go and enjoy the learning. It will take quite a bit of self management as I know I won't last a whole day with people unless I take my brain breaks and rest whenever I can. It will probably feel a bit like I am being antisocial, but my introverted self won't mind too much! I am looking forward to being in a different environment with different people. Not cooking meals, looking after children or driving will be a bonus.

So there it is. Slow progress towards being back to normal, but at least it's progress. Frustration at times, tears at times but also some great moments. Putting it together. And the one thing to remember, as my mother kindly reminded me, is the serenity prayer. So applicable in so many situations. Thanks Mum.

Concussion Part 2 - The long and winding road

About 2 weeks ago I wrote the beginnings of this blog. It has taken a few twists and turns since then, but I thought I would write it as I did on paper, starting from where my last blog (Part 1) left off.

After my second appointment with Insight I felt maybe I could get back to work part time before the end of term as one of the OTs suggested that was a possibility. I was very keen to get back, missing the staff and students, and to be honest, getting a little lonely being at home all day even though my children are around for some of it. I was still struggling with a lot of symptoms and they were really getting in the road and annoying me.

The frustrations (two weeks ago):

Driving: Even a trip down the road to the library is a mammoth task. It takes a lot of concentration to drive and I feel so tired afterwards.

Decision Making: I can't think on my feet. Anything sideways throws me.

Emotions: I am up and down, in tears, smiling, not knowing what will happen next.

Fatigue: I am so tired, even with sleeping long hours. Going places or being with people makes me feel like a vacuum cleaner is sucking the life out of me, I just get so tired.

Nausea: Any movement makes me feel sick. For those of you who have had morning sickness nausea, it's like that all day. I had issues with the earthquakes and my balance and I feel the same now. My balance is seriously messed up.

Cancelling things: Having to not go to things that I had planned. Having to organise not going!

Split thoughts; Wanting to do things sometimes and knowing that maybe it's not the best idea.

Noise: I am certainly sensitive to noise. One day the neighbours had their drive laid and I almost had to leave the house. Luckily it stopped before it got too much.

Lack of reading: I am normally someone who reads a lot, whether it is an article or a book, I am always keen. This has certainly slowed me down as I can only read for a short time.

Feeling like a very old person: I am quite slow and sometimes feel a bit like a fraud sitting around all day, but I really just can't do things.

No screens: Not watching TV, using a computer or phone takes a large chunk out of my normal pastime so it's hard to think of doing very little.

The positives: (yes there are some positives!)

Learning to relax and do calming things

Taking time to go for a walk each day

Writing this blog

The amazing support from other people. Having others who have been there before has been a huge help. To know that what I am experiencing is "normal". Which is the main reason for writing my blog - I am hoping this will raise awareness and help others.

I am improving all the time. It's slow, but it's happening.

Not drinking alcohol. I must say I do miss my glass of wine sometimes but I really have not felt like any alcohol at all. Can't be a bad thing.

After I wrote the above, I finished my last blog and posted it to my Facebook page and my Education page. I spent a bit of time online and watched an amazing video aboutClark Elliot who had concussion for eight years (makes me shudder just thinking about it), just about lost his job, family and life, and then was put in touch with a woman who worked with him and in 3 weeks he was back to 70% of his old self. He has written a book that I mentioned in my last blog and I looked up a few articles on neuroplasticity, thinking, I wish we had someone like that in Christchurch. Within a couple of hours I had a post that was about to change my recovery. An old school friend (Natoya Rose) posted a comment that I am sure she won't mind me quoting 

Doing nothing doesn't actually do much at all. If you think about the result of these injuries severing or damaging the neurons in the brain, meaning that information does not get processed and utilised in the same way, and a diminished capacity to perform results. Unless you do receive and appropriate therapy, which understands the mechanism of what is going on here, it can indeed take months or years, and some people never recover from them. The bottom line is that the function of neuroplasticity can be utilised in facilitating the brain to restore these severed connections. And that one doesn't take months or years. In most minor injuries profound improvements can be seen from the first therapy session.

This changed everything. I contacted Natoya Rose from Visual Perception and she came round that afternoon and I had my first session with her. Before we had finished I felt the fog lift and my fatigue basically disappeared. I couldn't believe it, it was like magic. I felt so much better. Over the next few days I could do so much more. Still not 100% but certainly felt very different. My next appointment with Insight was me telling them I wanted to work with Natoya as my provider instead, so I changed to her and also sorted with ACC to get my neck seen to. The team at Tower Junction Physio are amazing and already the headache from my neck has gone and I am sleeping better. After my second session with Natoya I am still on the improve and am managing to do a lot more in my day. The nausea is less and I am managing more time with screens. There are still frustrations of not driving too far, or lengthy reading, but I can do so much more in a day. This article from Natoya explains a bit more about the process she works through.

So I have made many steps. Each day I have been doing one more thing to see how I go. I did push it a bit far last week - went over to school to say hello. So desperate to see students and staff and feel like I was going to be able to get there soon. Unfortunately it just proved how not ready I was just yet as the next day I paid for it by not being able to do much at all. It was worth it though, in a weird sort of way. I miss my job.

So here I am, almost seven weeks down the track, still colouring in but certainly on the mend and getting there quickly with the help of Natoya. Another of my friends, Marc, commented on my last blog with this gem:

 If you consider that everything happens for a reason, then you might want to take the time to evaluate what's most important to you in your life. It clearly isn't being 'crazy busy'...hell, that's just a way of distracting yourself. To think clearly you need to empty the mind, heart and soul of all the minutiae which ultimately doesn't really matter. Take stock of where you are and where you might like to be headed. 

Indeed, having all this time at home has given me the time to reflect and think about life, the universe and everything. It has made me look at everything through a different lens. I do believe in fate and this turn of events was obviously sent to challenge and change me. It has got me thinking about what I do and why, how much I do and what for. I have thought long and hard about what I do every day and what is worth doing in this life. This has shown me a lot about myself, some of which I was not really prepared to see or to admit to. I found out who my friends are and where the support is when I need it, as well as how bad I am at asking for help. It's made me think about friendships and the different levels as well as the way those levels all work.

How often do we get weeks to stay at home and think about things? This is a blessing in disguise in a weird sort of way, a challenge and an amazing time that I have to reflect on my life. My road is looking better.

Concussion Part 1 - The Art of Doing Nothing

I am a busy person. I have a full time job teaching and 2 teenagers to run around with karate and dance as well as being involved in fundraising and organising for community groups. I have my own interests in gardening and genealogy and technology to keep up with. My life is always full on and I love it.

Then I turned to look at something going on in a room to the side and walked smack into a glass door and my life has changed for a while. I stood for a minute after hitting my head and knee, thought "that hurt - a lot" and carried on with the day at work. I went to work the next day, feeling a bit tired, but not really out of sorts. The next day I woke up and could hardly get out of bed. I felt nauseous and exhausted and had a headache. I slept most of the day and then the next day decided to go to work anyway as I felt slightly better and there were things I wanted to do. Halfway there I thought I shouldn't be driving, made an appointment with the doctor and came home with the diagnosis of concussion. It was a long weekend coming up so I was told to go back if I didn't feel any better after the weekend. Sure enough I was back at the doctor on the Tuesday and 3 weeks later I'm still at home. The support I have had has been amazing, from friends, family, colleagues and services, everyone has been so helpful, but it has been exceptionally frustrating and I thought I would share my thoughts, in the hope that maybe they would help someone down the track or at least give some insight into this strange thing called concussion.

After that first week of feeling shattered, frustration really set in. The amount of things I have on the go at any one time is huge. Rearranging, cancelling, organising and changing things takes almost as much, or more effort as doing them myself. Passing on information for the most urgent things took energy and I was so lucky that we work the way we do at school and I didn't have to do huge amounts in that area as well. It also backed up my mantra of always documenting everything at school. I have learnt in the past to make sure I have shared all the information I gather, particularly around communication with students. Keeping a track of those conversations is invaluable when all of a sudden you are not there and someone else has to pick up the thread. Support from my kura has been fantastic, food has been flowing in so I don't have to cook and sometimes this can be quite overwhelming - I'm not good at taking help and support from others. I've been quite humbled by the help I have received.

In the first week ACC (Accident Compensation Coorporation for those not in NZ) called me and asked lots of questions about the accident and work and what I needed support-wise and I was referred onto the Insight people, commonly known as the Concussion clinic.

The first meeting with the Occupational Therapist (OT from here on) from Insight was tiring. Many questions were asked and there was lots of thinking about how I feel. Marking scores from 1-10 is always weird for me. My pain tolerance is quite high and I know that for me I'd be very reluctant to go anywhere near an 8,9 or 10 but then, does that mean that I am playing down the pain or nausea? The biggest overwhelming feature was that they told me to do nothing. Don't watch TV, don't use a computer. Nothing. How do you do nothing? I don't have that in my DNA. Rest she said, listen to music. It could be months she said. Months!? Surely not I thought, it was just a bump on the head. They said I have to be 100% at home before I can start to go back to work, small steps at a time. I think I came out more confused and stressed than I started.

So my research started. I googled "what to do when you have concussion", "how to do nothing" and a few other choice phrases. I read as much as I could manage (probably too much) and I contacted a friend who has had a very long road with concussion and got the message loud and clear that I needed to , yes, you guessed it, do nothing! She suggested listening to audio books and podcasts and listening to meditation tracks and she also talked about Binaural beats which I went away and looked up. A book she suggested was " AGhost in my Brain" by Clark Elliott and she suggested walking in parks and green areas. A colleague from work connected me with Anna McCone who has written a couple of blogs about her journey very aptly named "The moment that changed my life" and "Concussion I would not wish it on my worst enemy". I was lucky enough to be put in touch with her and had a good conversation around the same thing, doing nothing! I think that being able to talk with other about what they went through, knowing that what I am experiencing is normal, and read about their experiences has been invaluable and part of the inspiration to write this.

After the conversations with these two amazing busy people, I heard very clearly that doing nothing was my only way forward. Not being the type of person who can do that easily, I decided I needed to write myself a timetable that gave me a plan to follow. This was version 1:

Breakfast

Check emails and do urgent things like pay bills etc. max 10 mins

Do 1 thing I need to sort or do for the day (sort transport for kids, appointments etc)

Read

Go for a short walk to the park

Listen to music/podcast

Lunch

Meditation/rest

Read

Watch 1 hour TV

Dinner

Write blog

Read

This soon changed as I realised that listening to music and podcasts also made my head hurt - I think it is partly due to my deafness - I have to work hard to listen, but also when I listen to music I tend to analyse it and listen hard, not just let it wash over me. The joy of being a music teacher.

I added colouring in to my day and this has become my go to for turning my brain off. It now takes up about 3 or 4 hours each day and I am thankful for adult colouring books!

I had a few visitors over the first couple of weeks, particularly from work. It was great but also not so great as it reminded me of what I was missing out on, a severe case of FOMO (fear of missing out). I miss the amazing conversations and the energy that I get from teaching at Haeata. The support has been outstanding from everyone there. I can't explain how wonderful they all are.

The whole problem with not being able to do things, the frustration and the knowledge that I can't do much is something I have thought about a lot and, having work always sitting in my thoughts, have related this to our students. To understand that I have to do things in very small steps has been quite a challenge but also an eye opener. I felt myself slipping into depression and having been there in my past, I was keen to not go there again! After working through why I was feeling that way, I realised it was because I couldn't achieve anything. Everything was too much for me. I felt overwhelmed and everything was out of reach. I needed to break things down and set achievable goals, very much like we need to do for our students.

Small steps are my saviour from feeling depressed and frustrated. Being able to walk to the park is huge. Making dinner without collapsing into tears is a real feat. The little steps mean I am progressing and however small and slow they are, it is forward motion. I'm keen to keep this in mind when I get back to school and show those students that even when they feel it's all too much and too hard, that those little steps can be a gamechanger. Little steps. Every day.

This is the first part of a few blogs that I think will get written. I have been writing them on paper and typing up in short bursts as I can manage (being on the computer I'm not meant to be on...). Part 2 coming in a week or two.

Any suggestions on how to do nothing will be gratefully received.